Dear, Sarah,

I've been contemplating what I wanted to say to you for some time now. And I just can't figure it out. It's not often that I have this difficulty. But even after a month of having time to mull it over in my mind, I just don't know what to say to you. That doesn't mean I like you any less than others, I just haven't fully decided how I like you.

There's the fact that you were able to escape your dirt bag husband. That says a lot. That shows strength. And I commend you for that.

But then, on the other side, you cling to Miles like a baby to his mother. And that, it kind of shows weakness. Not weakness in the vain of "you're a weak person," but the fact that you kind of clung on to the first man to show you affection. And don't get me wrong, Miles is GREAT. He really is.

I guess I don't really know what I'm saying. Do you see what my problem is here?

It really all started when you were telling me about the time Miles found out your brother is the one that killed his wife. You were just so reserved and offsetting and, dare I say, whiny. And I guess I can't say this is a wrong reaction, since I have no idea how I would react in this situation. But it just seems like...it just seems like you would have reacted differently. I get not wanting your brother to get in trouble. And I understand not wanting to hurt the man you love. But why didn't you say anything? You had a chance to talk to Miles, you had the chance to explain yourself, and you didn't. I get that it would have been hard. Really hard. But if it meant loosing him forever...DO IT. He overreacted, as one can expect. He made assumptions, as one could expect. He was hurt, as one can expect. So wasn't it up to you to try and help him, to set him straight, to show him.

And like I said, this didn't make me not like you or your story, it just made me sit back and think, humph. And that's it. There was no connection, no hatred, no enthusiasm. It just was. And I think that's why I don't really know what to say to you. Your story was sad, but it wasn't tragic. It was touching, but it wasn't inspiring. It was just too mixed.

Maybe I'll end up with this amazing ephiphany and I'll totally understand the meaning of it all, and then I'll totally change my mind--in which case I'll let you know. But for now, this is all I have to offer. Humph. 

Confusidly yours,
NicholleLee

Dear, Emaline,

It's been a while since I've sat down and written a letter. I feel kind of guilty about that. But a lot of things have changed. I moved across the country (again), I had a baby boy, I got a new career--you know, nothing significant. I guess all that's to say that I come to you with a different view on life. I've followed some of your friends/acquaintances/neighbors for quite some time, and I wondered, Will I feel the same about Colby and the stories that come out of this little beach town now that I'm, you know, "grown up"? I honestly wasn't sure. But I did know this: some of my most fond memories were in Colby; I met wonderful people; I fell in love (I think); I visited time and time again, not getting enough of the residents/tourists/etc.

So, when I found out I was going to be meeting you, I was nervous. I was scared. I was worried that everything I had known would change. Because I had irrevocably, undeniably changed. But you taught me something. We all change. We will. It's just a part of human nature. What matters, however, is how we accept it, how we handle it, and how we let it impact our beings..
have changed since the last time I wrote; I moved across the country (again), I had a baby boy, I started a new job...like an actual

While our changes are much different--you're going to college, I'm having a baby; you're staying in your small town, I'm going back to mine--we're not so different, you and I.

I mean, I know you haven't decided yet if you're going to leave Colby (or at least, you haven't told me), but I have a sneaking suspicion you will. If you're meant to be somewhere bigger in this world, you'll get there some how. I am painfully shy; I am a complete introvert; I'm more comfortable hiding in my twins' shadow. With all that being said though, I took off--I flew away from the small town. And no one was more shocked than I was. First, it was just a few hours to a slightly bigger town for college, then across the country for work. And you know what, it was awesome. It was the best thing that's ever happened to me. I don't have to hide anymore; I'm still shy, but I'll talk. Changing my scenery wasn't something I was fond of, but I did it out of sheer desire to succeed. And I did.

Whether you get out of Colby now or later, you will. I know it, I can feel it in my bones. You're meant for more. You're meant for more than a crappy boyfriend that cheats on you; you're meant for more than standing in a sandbox working the family business; you're meant for more than some summer fling. I know because, you're like me. You work hard, you care too much, you're scared. I don't know if you end up with Theo, I don't know if you'll end up at EU or Columbia, I don't know what you decide; but I guess is what I'm saying is: don't give up. Keep going. If for any reason to prove your father wrong; to prove to him you're not failing, you're not going to be stuck just because he couldn't help you. Girls like you and me, we don't need anyone else. Thank you very much. We can do it just fine on our own.

So be scared, be afraid, be weary of change. Because it's that fear that could end up motivating you. It's that fear that can change your entire world, your outlook, your destiny. I was scared of the change, but I took it as it came; I, finally, decided for once in my structured, organized, thought-out life to just let the change happen, I was going to let the fear of change change me--to let it control what I do next instead of trying to control it myself. And I realized something incredibly important: if you just let go, if you just let go and let life control, well, life, amazing things can happen. And I think you'll learn that. I think, because you're like me, you'll decide to give in. You'll give in to the plan, and you'll throw caution to the wind, and you'll end up with the moon and more. You'll end up in New York with Theo, you end up somewhere with Benji, you'll go off with Morris. I don't know what you're going to do, but I do know that when you do--it's going to be amazing. For both of us.


Changingly Yours,

NicholleLee

Dear Ender,

I'm not going to lie; I'm not sure how I feel about you yet. I have a feeling you're minipulitive, violent, and selfish. But for some reason I'm not totally turned off. Maybe it's because you're "the chosen one." But even so, should that behavior be rewarded? I don't think so.

I get the distinct feeling you're going to be praised for your violence. But not because it's violence, but because it's "smart witted." I'm sorry, I don't care how smart you are--violence is violence. And to encourage it at such a young age is terrible.

I can't help but think of all the kids that are bullied and hurt themselves--or worse--over violence in schools, and it makes me sick to think you're out there climbing the ranks due to it. And you feel no remorse. I think you might a little. Maybe deep down and you just haven't noticed it yet.

But that thought just doesn't leave my mind. I try to be open, and I am trying to let you finish my story before I completely dislike you, but I don't know if I'll be able to do it.

I don't know if in this world of violence, if I can condone such behavior from such a young boy. And I realize they say it's for the greater good of the world, but is it really? Can't there be an easier way than forcing these young girls and boys to leave their families and prepare for war.

I guess it's not the first time something like this has happened. And I realize it won't be the last. But there's got to be a better way. There's got to be a way in which we don't instill these values of violence and hatred in our children. Because lets face it, even if it's instilled in the best interest of humanity, it's still creating a vicious race of people. And it's spreading to those kids who are not even of the chosen class.

Look at Peter. Just look at him. I've never seen a larger cry for help in my life, yet he's just seen as a normal kid... Normal kids don't kill squirrels because they're bored. Normal kids don't make their siblings believe they're going to be killed. And why is he like this? Because of his hatred for you for accomplishing what he couldn't. Your going off to "save the world" in war is creating him to be a monster. So it's not just you. It's not just the kids your training with. It's spreading. Throughout the whole universe.

And I just wonder if you're where it started... But like I said, I'll try my best not to judge until I let you finish your story. I am trying. I just don't really have any tolerance for violence.

Non-judgingly Yours,
NicholleLee

Dear Peter Pan,

Seeing as how you were the apple of my eye as a kid, I thought I would love revisiting you. Especially now that I'm going to have a kid of my own, I couldn't wait to introduce him or her to you and share the joy of Peter Pan.

But I realized something I never realized as a kid... You're kind of conceded. And a bit selfish. Maybe I just didn't want to see it when I was young, or maybe I couldn't. But as an adult--dare I say it, as a grown up--I can't help but think how unattractive you are.

I mean, I understand not wanting to grow up, I guess. Stay young forever, no responsibilities, no worries. But you miss out on so much when you don't grow up. Love, the freedom to really make your own choice, the joy of having children. It seems like an awful big sacrifice to make. Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't want to miss out on the ladder. Sure there's a lot more responsibility, but isn't it worth it?

I always thought the idea of staying young was a great one--after all, you taught it to me. But as I sit here and feel my baby kick I realize you're well without. Life is so much more than having no responsibilities. In fact, I think, it's those responsibilities that make life joyous, make life worth it. If we let fear hold us back we're going to miss out on the most amazing parts of life. We won't have that opportunity to grow, expand, learn. We'll be stuck chasing Captain Hook for the rest of our lives.

Maybe I'm alone in my feeling of wanting to grow up; or maybe I never really was a kid. But it just seems like staying young forever is not worth it. I get wanting to beat Hook, but isn't there a point when we just have to realize there's more than just that one ambition? There's more than just one goal. Can't we have more than that one victory? Not if we don't try.

You can face Hook time after time; how can you not face growing up? I think there's more there than just wanting to have fun; I hope you'll let me learn more.

Because even though I disagree with you, I do appreciate your free spirit and your "aliveness." And that is something I want my kids to experience. Just for a little while at least. I want them to experience the fun; I want them to fight Hook; I want them to experience all the joys of childhood. But I also want them to experience all of life, not miss out on half of it. Because like I said, the older you get, the more rewarding life is. And I think it's just now, just as I write this--as I revist you--that I realize that. That I realize growing up is so worth it. It's the most scary, most challanging, most rewarding thing ever. And surely someone who's fought Captain Hook can realize that. Right?

Growingly Yours,
NicholleLee

Dear Eric Sanderson,

...if that even is your real name.

Your life is incredibly perplexing to me! I have so many questions and want so many answers, but I don't think you're in the state of mind to give them to me.

Can you trust Dr. Randal? I don't think so.

Can you trust the First Eric Sanderson? I don't think so.

Can you even trust yourself? I don't think so.

So who can you trust? What is real? What is going on?

I feel so bad for you. Your life is so not even in your control. I'm the type of person who has to have complete control over her life, and the slightest bit of non-control drives me insane. How can you stand not knowing anything about yourself? How can you stand not knowing anything about your past? It's the glue that holds us together; the glue that makes us us. And you have none of it. Therefore, who are you? But there's not point in asking that because you can't answer.

I'm hoping the more time we spend together the more answers we...you...will get. These past few weeks have been interesting, but I NEED TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON. It's driving me insane. It's all I can think about. Who are you? What are you? I need to know. Now. I'm  not a very patient person.

I feel like you are you though. I mean, look at Clio. You've got this innate attachment to someone you personally don't even know. Maybe she's your soulmate. Maybe you're connected no matter what. Or maybe she's just the one bit of reality you can or want to hold on to. I don't blame you. She sounds like a charming girl. And in a world where you have no one, it's good to cling on to the hope that you at least had someone.

Clearly I have a lot of questions. And so do you. So I guess our time together is not over yet. And hey, at least you have someone. I'm not going anywhere until we figure out who you are.


Investigatingly Yours,
NicholleLee.

Bright Young Things Review, Anna Godbersen

I don't usually use this space for book reviews, but I've decided to make an exception. I'm currently reading Bright Young Things by Anna Godbersen, and while I can't seem to put the book down I love it so much I often find myself wondering, "What was her editor thinking?"

Godbersen has an incredibly way of transporting her readers to the 20s. She does an incredibly job of creating a world of speakeasies and flappers. And this is probably the most incredible part of the book--perhaps why I love it so much. I'm a sucker for speakeasies. And I commend her for that. As I edit books based in different time periods this is often a huge issue--for me at least. People invest their entire story into an incredible era, yet they don't ever develop or create that era. If you're going to do it, you have to do it all the way. And Godbersen seems to understand this--thank god.

What had me cringing about this book is the common first-time-author mistakes...and she's not one of them. Editing book after editing book tells us not to use terms like "he admonished," or "she concluded," yet Godbersen uses these said bookisms up the wazoo. And it drives me insane. I tried to look past it. The book is good, the writing's good, what's it matter if she does this. But I couldn't. And I can't. It takes away from the dialogue--it takes away from the impact the dialogue is having. And I just can't help but wonder why she chose these words rather than "said" or "asked."

And I hate to admit it, but there is a huge plot point gone askew. At one point she's in Letty's story (as she goes back and forth between three girls lives, hardly ever connecting them--but we'll get to that...), going on and on about how Letty is going to go back to Ohio. Her time in NY was fun while it lasted, but it just wasn't going to work. She is an actress right? Surely she can make her sisters believe she had the most wonderful time in NY. But then all of this sudden it's Astrid going to Ohio... It's Astrid doing this. The author seems to have gotten confused whilst writing and has picked up from Letty's point of view thinking it was Astrid. Or maybe it was just a typo..or two or three. Surely her editor would have picked up on this right? How could she not have? So I went back and reread the section, and then I reread it again. And surely enough...she switches characters just like that! I'm incredibly perplexed by this. WHAT?? It almost made me want to stop reading the book altogether. But, alas, I've already invested 200 pages into the story, I've got to finish the last 79. I'll try to give her the benefit of the doubt...it was my misreading...but I don't think it was. She's had some character issues up until this point...not this large of course, but they're there.

I'm of the opinion that you don't switch character perspectives unless it's a chapter break. It's just more clean that way. And normally Godbersen seems to agree with this. Each chapter is devoted to a different girl. But randomly she'll stop talking about one girl and pick up where the other left off. There are slight connections, but a reader needs warning when they're leaving one scene and picking up at another. And in my opinion a hard enter is not enough. Maybe it's just because I get to emotionally invested in my characters...

And speaking of characters, I just wish so much that she would actually connect them. I mean I have 79 pages left and Letty and Cordelia are still pinning over their loss of each other. They know where the other one is...vaguely...they both miss each other...just make it happen already!!!

Maybe the ending will be so incredible I just forget all of these flaws. I hope so. Like I said, she's created an incredibly beautiful world. And I want to spend all my time in it. I just can't seem to look past the ugly.

Until next time,
NicholleLee

Dear Laurel,

At first, you annoyed me. To be completely honest. I'm it'd been eight years--MOVE ON already. The fact that you wouldn't even give Cole the time of day was just...childish. And you're supposed to be a big, mature judge... Finally however--because of his gray eyes, or his devilish smile, or maybe because he seems like a genuinely nice person--you forgave him. For what? I don't know yet and it's driving me crazy.

But it got me thinking.

After eight years you still couldn't see him; you still couldn't stand him. Either he was truly the most disgusting human being on Earth, or girl...you're in love. But, seriously. Eight years? Aren't you a Christian? Aren't Christian's supposed to forgive. That's what I'm told. It just doesn't make sense to me that you could hold so much resentment toward someone for eight years that when they come back into you life (for reasons unknown) you can't even give them the time of day.

I mean aren't we supposed to live, learn, and move on? Isn't that like the philosophy of life or something? How could you have so much resentment built up in you for so long? Didn't it drive you cray? Didn't it kill you? Wasn't it exhausting? Maybe I'm just too forgiving. Maybe you're not forgiving enough. I don't know.

I know you say that you had thrown all that crap away, that you had moved on, you didn't realize you still had all these feelings. But how couldn't you? How couldn't you feel that hatred? To be completely honest, it just makes you seem like an emotionless wench. Truly. I'm sorry--that was rude, but it's true!

I understand a broken heart or whatever. I understand being hurt so badly by someone it makes you physically ill. I get it. I do. But don't we move on? Don't we grow? Out of sight out of mind, right? Apparently not.

And what I really don't get is how it's being with him again (after you finally give him two seconds of your time) that you forgive him. You don't even "forgive" him, you just fall in love with him! It doesn't make sense. Am I missing something? Maybe I'm too emotional. Maybe I don't get love. Maybe I wear my heart on my sleeve. I don't know what makes us different. And maybe that's all it is...differences. But it just seems like too much to hold on for eight years.

Isn't that the best form of revenge--moving on, being happy, not needing him? Maybe it's easier said than done. I guess I don't have that much experience in the whole love thing... But I am married...I've had heartache...I've been betrayed. I just feel like life is too short to hold on to a grudge for eight years. Maybe you're learning that now. Maybe that's why you "forgave" Cole. Maybe that's why you're falling in love again...with the same person.

Maybe my view will change when you finish telling me your story. I hope it does. Because right now I can't help but think you're a heartless wench with no emotion. And yet, I find my self strangely drawn to you... Does that make me weird.

Emotionally Yours,
NicholleLee.