Monday, November 30, 2009
I'm really glad you chose George. I can't tell you how happy I was when I heard that! The whole time you were with Cecil I was like, "No. No. No. George!" And now you are together and I can sleep at night. :-)
That's all I wanted to say!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
You talked about how people go into your neighborhood and role their windows up real tight and just look forward. And you're right people do that. They do that all the time. I do it. My mom does it. My friends do it. And I never really thought about it before. But, what I never thought about before was the fact that people realize. People in the neighborhood notice when people drive by like that. And that's something you just taught me. I'm learning a lot from you today spending all this time together. It's nice. Thank you. And sorry for rolling up my windows when I get into your neighborhood.
Monday, November 23, 2009
I must admit. My feelings were a little hurt when you still wanted Daisy. I thought we were getting along just fine. I thought we were heading in the right direction. Plus I don't have a husband to leave. BONUS! Right?! I mean, it's gotta be. I know I'm not as charming as Daisy, or as beautiful. But, I mean, come on. She's kind of a crazy lady. Ya know? Like. I loved you. She loved....the thought of you (?) She obviously didn't love you enough to leave her husband. But, she had you wrapped around her little finger. And I can't figure out why. Actually, yes I can, and I do know why. But, I don't understand why. I don't. Her or me? Me or her? The answer should be obvious. Oh. It's not?! I think you're intriguing, and interesting, and smart, and charming, and strange, and handsome, and wonderful the way you are (money or no money). Doesn't that count for something??!! But. Now you're gone. And we'll never be. And, I guess I'm writing this letter to you just as a way of letting go. I wish you could know I think about you all the time. I'm always revisiting our time together. You're still my favorite. Oh look. I'm not getting over you, just the way you didn't get over Daisy.... Maybe it's because you're dead. You were taken away from me. Not by choice. And for good. I guess you might argue the same about Daisy, but it's different. It's different.
Friday, November 20, 2009
So, my twin sister is getting married next year. I'm only 20 years old, so I obviously don't have any experience being a bridesmaid, let alone a maid of honor? I was wondering if you could give me any tips? "Tips? English tips? Tips of any kind?"---Sorry, I couldn't resist.
I mean since you have been a bridesmaid 27 times. I was just wondering.... And now that you are married to perfect journalism man you're not bitter about it anymore and I figured it would be okay to ask.... When I say perfect journalism man, I really mean it. I would have fell in love with him on the spot! He's SO charming! Plus, he's a journalist.
Anyways! Back to the main point. My sister's getting married. I'm the maid of honor. I don't know what to do. At all. I need your help. So, please help me. Please. Help. I'm not kidding! I need it. I mean I don't know the first thing about planning a wedding! Please, I hardly know the first thing about GOING to a wedding! I'm the oldest grandchild, I've only been to like....4 weddings. And not since I was the flower girl really. So, I have no clue what to do. And I'm kind of freakin' out. And I want it to be perfect. So. Like I said. I need your help!
Freaking out Maid of Honorly Yours,
Thursday, November 19, 2009
I'll see you TONIGHT. I know. This is like totally stepping over the boundries we formed not too long ago. But. The opportunity arose to visit you. And I COULD NOT pass it up. I hope that doesn't upset you. I doubt you'll even see me anyways. You'll be surrounded by a many number of girlies screaming. And, trust me, I WILL NOT be one of them. We had our time together. Much before all these other ladies had to share you. I had you to myself and I don't mind stepping aside now for all of these other girls drulling over you. I however will NOT be one of them, like I said. Maybe four years ago....but to be completely honost.....we were never all that close. I mean close yes, but my friendship with Edward Cullen sort of hindered that. I, unlike some people, care about your feelings. hehehehe....that was mean. No, but I understand where she's coming from. So, I don't fully blame her or anything. I mean, how can she resist either of you?! I don't know. You're both dashingly handsome. Will you slap me now?! I promised myself I would NOT think of HIM anymore and here I go! Rude of me. So sorry. It wont happen again! Anyways. I just wanted you to know that I will be there tonight. Because I doubt you'll see me and I just wanted you to know that I will be there.....supporting you (?).
NOT Screamingly Yours,
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
I think you're a sweet man.
The way touching Martha's knee drove you crazy. "He should've carried her up the stairs to her room and tied her to the bed and touched that left knee all night long."
I mean besides for the kind of creepiness in this, it's really sweet when you think about it. Just the touch of that knee and that's all you need to get by, that's all you need to survive, that gives you butterflies. It really shows how much you love her. It really does. It takes more to get by and be satisfied with a mere touch. And I comend you for that.
I remember with my boyfriend all I needed was to hold his hand for a minute and I was good to go for the whole day. And I loved that feeling! I loved the feeling of being able to hold his hand and the fact that touching his hand was all I needed. To me, that's what love was. It was seeing that smile in the morning, or smelling him behind me, or holding his hand. Thats what love was to me. It was that smell, that smile, that touch.
And that's how you were with Martha and, to me, that just shows how much you loved her. And it takes a real man to love someone like that. And especially to love someone like that who doesn't love you in the slightest. It really takes a man. And I really don't know what else to say.
I just think of my boyfriend every time I read that and I just think of the butterflies I get when his hand touched mine, or when he walked into the room after not seeing him for an entire evening/night. And I just feel like we're connected in that way. I know how you feel to love someone so much. We're just....we're alike in that way. We have that in common.
How weird, I, Miss Bookworm who doesn't leave the house has something in common with Mr. Lieutenant Army man.
I don't know. I just can't get over that. I can't get over how much you love her.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
I thought your story was so interesting. It's been an awful long time since I've read it, but I am always from time to time thinking about it. Just thinking about being an innovator, which is what you are. I read it, like I said, many years ago, but I didn't really appreciate it until I grew up, the message that is, I guess. The idea of liking something, being made fun of for it, then it becomes super popular. This is something I can relate to. This is something I feel, many people can relate to at one point in time.
At the age I was when I read your story, I must have been 12 or 13, I didn't understand how someone could be made fun of something that was clearly so cool. I just didn't understand. I always wondered: if that became so cool then why were people making fun of it? If that person didn't like that and they were opinionated enough to make fun of someone, why on earth would they ever go back to it? And I never understood that! And it made me so made. This whole innovation thing confused me. I remember when I first starting reading I thought you were so cool, and people must really like you because you were such a trend-setter. Then I found out you were not very liked. And I was shocked! I honestly remember my jaw dropping. And I was so confused!
I mean I understand the concept now and everything, but, boy was I surprised. And I always think about that from time to time. What am I laughing at about someone that I am going to end up loving in three or four or how many ever years? And I know I'm totally showing everyone how lame I am, but I thought about it in 2005 when I read Twilight when it first came out, and was made fun of for it. Like legitimately made fun of. And look at it now?! And when I think about my boyfriend. He used to wear suit pants, button down shirts, ties, and sweater-vests to school everyday and was made SO much fun of for it. And look at how society dresses now! That exact way. And I always think about that when someone laughs at something someone has on or is reading or is even listening to in the music. Because we never know. We never know.
And I thought that you should just know that after all these years after we spent time together, I still think of you. Do you think of me, too?
Monday, November 16, 2009
I must first admit I am still working on you.
I can't decide what your deal is. What happened with you, why you're so....strange. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with that, I am just SO curious as to what your story is. And it's really annoying that I have to get up and let go and go to class and work and other homework before I can finish and figure you out. I mean, I know it's not about you, it's about Lucille and Ruth, but you are so interesting.
It is bugging me so much, I wish I could be a fast reader. I want to know so bad. Even when I'm not reading, I'm wondering what it is. Did you hear that? You're on my mind even when we're not together. Although we both know we're never really together. You're too detached from this world. You're not present. You're not here. You're in some different Sylvie universe and I want to be a part of it so bad. Although, I don't think it's any Neverland where you are....but, I still wish to know where you are.
My curiosity is getting the best of me here. I'm sorry if that's rude. I mean, it doesn't really seem like you are welcoming anyone into your world. Maybe Lucille and Ruth, sometime. But, not anytime soon. If you don't kill yourself first. But, I don't think you will. I don't know. It kind of seems like it, but deep down I don't think you will.
I'm sorry! That was REALLY rude of me. Talking about your suicide. To you. Where have my manners gone?! I appologize. It's the curiosity getting the best of me again. But, that's no excuse. Again, I'm sorry. Looking forward to spending time with you again.
Friday, November 13, 2009
I know I JUST wrote to you, but I MUST express my utter love for you!!!!!
I LOVED your talk tonight at Grand Valley. It was fantastic. I was listening to you and I felt like you were 1) speaking to me directly, and 2) I felt like we were the same person. The way you talked about your love for books, and your hate for the "shuffle" button on the iPod, and just the way you live your life... I feel like we should really be friends. I was honored to hear you speak tonight and I can not wait for the next time you come to Grand Rapids or the MI area.
I just....I can't express the way I felt after your talk. You were vulgar, and, and funny, and totally sincere. I want (maybe with less vulgarity)...I think more people should be like you. Like me. I mean I have Emily who essentially is me, and it's fun being in our own little world and everything where no one really understands us. But, after hearing you today, it would be nice if there were more like us. And you give me hope that there are people like us out there. Because you're one of them. And how cool is that?! Mr. Sherman Alexie is kinda, sorta like me. I think it's cool.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Besides for this letter, I'm doing a really good job of avoiding you. I haven't even thought of you really since the last letter I wrote. Do you remember? About a month back... Ya know, it's not that easy to not think about you with you being so utterly popular right now! I'm not even going to go see you RIGHT when you come to town. I'm going to WAIT. Waiting for you is NOT an easy thing to do. And I'm not exactly the most patient person in the world to begin with.
But, I must admit....not being with you is okay with me. I thought it would drive me nuts, but I don't even care. I don't really even care about you anymore. I mean, of course I care, I always will. But, not in the way I did. I don't love you the way I did. I don't need you. I don't run to you whenever I get upset, sad, or frustrated anymore. It's been really good for me. I've been able to explore new (and better) people....and things. I don't NEED you anymore. And that's a wonderful feeling.
Of course, I will always love you, and you will always hold a dear spot in my heart. But I am SO over you! I am so done with you!
And that's all I have to say.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
You are too cute! Could you fall in love with Bernard now, though?! You're perfect for each other. I'm just sayin'!!!
You guys, are just so cute together, the way you feed off each other and bounce everything back and forth, and argue so much. It's astonishing. People hardly ever find someone who they can be like that with, and you....your person is just right in front of you! Cool! Arg. I don't know what to say. I had so much I wanted to say, and I wanted to say it earlier and I knew exactly what to say, but I was just trying to finish something and of course I FORGOT. Like always. Poo.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Oh, how I long to read you. I do, I really really do. But, I don't have stupid time! Arg. How about I just drop out of college to read them? Then I would have all the time to read you! And I could read a lot of other yummy books. I want to read you all so bad. I feel like a bad person not having read you yet!!! Bad English major! Arg. Stupid college. Oh well, until we meet again. And we have like a bigillion copies of Pride and Prejudice in this apartment and it is killing me.
Monday, November 9, 2009
I have been spending some time with Dwayne today. And I just want to apologize for his rude behavior to you. He should not have talked to you like that. Especially for someone he cares so much about. I don't think he really meant what he was saying, he was probably just taking his anger out on you, because he's closest with you. That's what I do at least.....take all my anger out on my boyfriend, no matter if I'm actually saying/meaning things about him. It's not a nice thing for people to do. But, we do it anyways. We're human.
But you seem like such a great guy, and I think if we knew each other, we would be great friends. I can tell how much you care about Dwayne. I really can. It probably hurt so much to hear him say all those things to you, and I'm sorry. I just want you to know, that I think Dwayne really cared about you, and I don't think he meant to hurt you. I just thought it was important that you knew that. ... That's all.
I've been sick these past few days. Like really sick. I had to leave my college campus and be isolated from everyone and everything. They think it might be Swine Flu, so you understand the importance of my hibernation.
When I wasn't asleep which was, which I was like 75% of the time I was watching T.V. and stuff, mainly country music videos. Anyways. I was really wanting to spend some time with you. But, I couldn't. And I was really sad about that. You're the perfect person to spend time with when one's sick (or at least I think) and I couldn't spend anytime with you. And like I said, that made me sad.
So really. I'm just writing you this because I wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you. As I lay here on my death bed. ....I'm not really dying, but you understand.
P.S.--Get it? Piggishly....Swine Flu....hahahaha.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Really?! You really wanted to sell your writing that badly that you put it in porn? Really?! Really?! I mean I want to be an author, I really want to write a book, but I would NEVER link my name with porn. Even if no one read it to see my name, I still would never ever do it in a million years. I would be embarrassed.... That's just....why would you do that? I have no idea. You would have a more faithful following, I bet, if you had your work published regularly. Which you did, so why the need to publish through porn? I have no idea! I just don't understand why anyone would degrade themselves that way. I mean it's not like you're the one making porn or anything, but your writing is in it, with your name. So, really, it's just as degrading to you as it is to the pornographers. I don't know. That's my rant.
I also wanted to say, that I, too, talk to my animals.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
***On Adrianne Rich's poem "Paula Becker to Clara Westhoff***
Click here to read
When I was reading what you had to say to Clara, I must admit I was really moved. Something about it just grabbed me and held on. I am not totally sure if you were writing a letter to Clara, but that's how I saw it. I could just picture you at a desk with a feather tip pen writing to her.
The way you expressed your feelings of your somewhat lost friendship, and your marriages, it was just....moving. I guess I can't really find another word to describe it better.
It was weird because a lot of people read it and they get this feeling of loss, sorrow, and regret. But, when I read it I felt an overwhelming surge of love. The love you have for Clara as a friend, as a sister, it's like she is your real soulmate. And I guess that's something I understand. 1) Having a soulmate in a friend, not my significant other. And 2. Having that incredible friendship with someone and loosing it, then really being obsessed with thoughts of them and your friendship and just wanting to tell them everything, but you know you can't. I know that feeling, all too well.
And maybe that's why I identify with you on such a different level than others, because I really didn't feel like you regretted anything. I didn't feel like you were talking about loss. I felt like you were saying everything to Clara that you knew you couldn't say. And you were saying it because you still loved her. She was still a part of you. And, I know that. I truly, truly know that. I felt like it was out of love....honestly.
This idea of friendship....it's just....I don't really know what I want to say. I have had a lot of REALLY good friends, and I've lost a lot of those REALLY good friends. And I never for one second regretted anything. I never for one second was sad. I really wasn't. I mean, Did I miss them? Yes. Did I want to talk to them? More than anything. But, Was I sad? Honestly, no. Because some things are just not meant to last forever....and that's the truth. There just not. And sometimes I do the same thing....just write down everything I want to say to them because I just can't let go. I can't let go of them. And, maybe it's me being a little too obsessed. Because, let's be honest here, I really do get a thought in my head and obsess about it. But....whatever!
But, what struck me most about what you were saying is how I could tell you just love Clara so much. I didn't care about anything else, the only part I saw was the friendship. And, she was your soulmate. And, I'm so sorry you lost her and driffted apart to be with men who were not your friends. It's really tragic. I couldn't imagine leaving my soulmate for my significant other. I really couldn't! And maybe that's something bad about me, but I can think of a few people who would say the same thing. When you meet that person that you just know you're meant to be best friends with how can you let go? And even if you have not talked for 3, 5, or 11 years, how do you let go? How can you justify it. Especially if (S)he is the only person who truly made you happy, which is how it seems you were with Clara.
I don't know. I feel like I'm talking in circles here. And maybe I am, and if I am I am sorry. But, I just feel like I identify with you so much here. And I feel like there is so much more I want to say, but I can't. And I appologize for that. :-(