Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Dear Paula Becker,
***On Adrianne Rich's poem "Paula Becker to Clara Westhoff***
Click here to read
When I was reading what you had to say to Clara, I must admit I was really moved. Something about it just grabbed me and held on. I am not totally sure if you were writing a letter to Clara, but that's how I saw it. I could just picture you at a desk with a feather tip pen writing to her.
The way you expressed your feelings of your somewhat lost friendship, and your marriages, it was just....moving. I guess I can't really find another word to describe it better.
It was weird because a lot of people read it and they get this feeling of loss, sorrow, and regret. But, when I read it I felt an overwhelming surge of love. The love you have for Clara as a friend, as a sister, it's like she is your real soulmate. And I guess that's something I understand. 1) Having a soulmate in a friend, not my significant other. And 2. Having that incredible friendship with someone and loosing it, then really being obsessed with thoughts of them and your friendship and just wanting to tell them everything, but you know you can't. I know that feeling, all too well.
And maybe that's why I identify with you on such a different level than others, because I really didn't feel like you regretted anything. I didn't feel like you were talking about loss. I felt like you were saying everything to Clara that you knew you couldn't say. And you were saying it because you still loved her. She was still a part of you. And, I know that. I truly, truly know that. I felt like it was out of love....honestly.
This idea of friendship....it's just....I don't really know what I want to say. I have had a lot of REALLY good friends, and I've lost a lot of those REALLY good friends. And I never for one second regretted anything. I never for one second was sad. I really wasn't. I mean, Did I miss them? Yes. Did I want to talk to them? More than anything. But, Was I sad? Honestly, no. Because some things are just not meant to last forever....and that's the truth. There just not. And sometimes I do the same thing....just write down everything I want to say to them because I just can't let go. I can't let go of them. And, maybe it's me being a little too obsessed. Because, let's be honest here, I really do get a thought in my head and obsess about it. But....whatever!
But, what struck me most about what you were saying is how I could tell you just love Clara so much. I didn't care about anything else, the only part I saw was the friendship. And, she was your soulmate. And, I'm so sorry you lost her and driffted apart to be with men who were not your friends. It's really tragic. I couldn't imagine leaving my soulmate for my significant other. I really couldn't! And maybe that's something bad about me, but I can think of a few people who would say the same thing. When you meet that person that you just know you're meant to be best friends with how can you let go? And even if you have not talked for 3, 5, or 11 years, how do you let go? How can you justify it. Especially if (S)he is the only person who truly made you happy, which is how it seems you were with Clara.
I don't know. I feel like I'm talking in circles here. And maybe I am, and if I am I am sorry. But, I just feel like I identify with you so much here. And I feel like there is so much more I want to say, but I can't. And I appologize for that. :-(